Trying to Find the Words...

5 years ago, I was visiting my boyfriend (now husband) in Boston on Patriot's Day, when we had stumbled upon a stream of runners near his apartment in the Back Bay. This was a time well before I had started running on a regular basis, so at first I didn't understand what was going on. I quickly learned that I was watching the Boston marathon. It was the first time I had ever seen a marathon, in the flesh. It was also the first time I had ever felt the magic surrounding a marathon. It was palpable.

The sight of people cheering for superhuman strangers to complete their journey conjured up many emotions in me. I couldn't help but wonder what they would find at the end of their journey. What were they running to? or running from? Would it have been worth it to travel so far?

When I saw my own brother complete his first marathon 2 years later, I felt the magic again. When the marathon was over, I felt empty inside. And I hadn't even ran. I soon began my quest to see what I would find on the other side of that finish line, to find out if it was truly worth it.

Yesterday, the dream of that finish line was tarnished by one of us or a group of us that somehow got pointed towards evil. I have no doubt in my mind that this person or persons strategically chose this portion of the Boston marathon for their attack. It would only be fitting for them to dissipate the celebration of life that a finish line symbolizes, and replace it with terror and fear. Poetic in their eyes. Horrific in ours.

What I suppose this individual or individuals failed to realize, is that we are NOT inherently evil. The horror of yesterday's events were only overshadowed by the heroism of spectators, volunteers, and other runners. America watched as runners stripped off their clothes to provide tourniquets. We watched as volunteers ran to action to help those in need. We saw first responders and civilians working together to save people's lives. We heard the stories of runners, who after running 26.2 grueling miles, ran just a little farther to local hospitals to donate blood.

Your plan backfired, buddy.

Boston, America, and the running community are stronger than ever.

When everything unfolded yesterday, many of us in the running family reached out to each other. I received texts, e-mails, phone calls from my running friends and family. There weren't many significant words shared with each other, but we understood each other's grief without having to say it. We had all felt the magic before. We had all ran in search of something... somewhere beyond that finish line.

I think that yesterday, we all found something significant at that Boston marathon finish line. Whether a runner or not, I think we all felt it. It was palpable.

We found love, in the face of evil. For now, that is enough. 

Some Last Minute Thoughts

In less than 48 hours I'll be toeing the line of my first long distance race since that last one I did about 5 months ago. I'm super excited to be running a long distance race again, but also petrified.

Back in January, I made my running goals public (the internet never forgets...), and then I talked about how my training cycle sucked, and that maybe I was being a little too ambitious with my goal setting.

But then I read this article (read it!) by Amby Burfoot, and thought, maybe I've been going about this all wrong.

We all talk about how we shouldn't be obsessive about our weight, and how a number on a scale should not determine our mood or self worth. But isn't this exactly what runners do? Bear with me.

No, not all of us obsess about a number on a scale, although some do. I'm sure elites do. But a majority of us obsess over a different kind of number. That little pace number on our garmins. That little number raises lots of questions - "Did I hit my paces exactly?" "Am I having a good day?" "Why am I so slowwww?!" "Why do I suck?" And I think for most of us, these numbers either make our day or break it.

I can almost guarantee that a person is having a fabulous day when an instagram of their garmin shows up on my twitter feed. Because let's be serious, hardly anyone instagrams their garmin when their pace is 2 minutes slower/mile than their norm. Unless they're making a comeback run from injury.

Yes, I've taken pictures of my garmin also. Don't judge. Also, that's my current half marathon PR.

I'm guilty of doing all these things also. It's hard not to get wrapped into this behavior when you start racing against others (and yourself). And it's definitely hard not to be a little discouraged when you don't hit that specific number you have set on a pedestal. But maybe Amby is right and that high goal setting & relying heavily on tools (i.e. garmins, heart rate monitors, performace tables) isn't really necessary. He talks about how our body and brain can naturally pick a sustainable pace at 98% of max during a marathon. He points out that many of us will try to run at a certain 'goal pace' which may actually be 100% of our max. Running at that specific pace may work for a little while, but then our bodies eventually try to compensate by running slower during the second half of a marathon.

Interesting stuff, Amby.

So I'm going to try something a little different on Sunday morning. Instead of being a slave to my garmin and trying to hit paces that I feel like I *should* be hitting, I'm just going to trust in my (minimal) training and let my body set the pace.

Am I going to wear a watch? Um. I'm not sure yet. Going cold turkey is hard okay?! Don't judge. But even if I do wear one, I'm not planning on looking at my paces every 5 seconds like I usually do.

We'll see how it goes and I'll report back.

What will you gain when you lose? (If you don't get that reference, just forget it and move on).

I'm going back, back, to Cali, Cali.

So in just about 2 1/2 weeks I will be heading to Cali to drink wine, explore the West coast, spend time with family, and figure out how to bake cupcakes for a living with my West coast BFF. Oh, and I'll also be running this little half marathon...

Remember 2 months ago when I made grand announcements of trying to PR this race? Well, that was before some injuries decided to pop up, and before I decided that running slower with some friends trumped running faster by myself.

I know that no two training cycles are the same, but seriously, this one sucked. I've decided that I'm not a winter runner. I'm not summer runner either... so that kind of sucks. Anyway, there were many runs during training where my body never warmed up, which probably contributed to my injuries. And my asthma acted up frequently due to the freezing temps. Surpise! It's a little hard to run fast when you can't breath and your shin and/or hip is swollen. I basically had to quit speedwork early on, and even had to skip 2 long runs.

Needless to say, this body is NOT ready to try for a PR on April 7th. And after seeing the course elevation of the San Francisco Half, I can say with almost complete certainty that SF will not be a PR city for me, even if I pull a miracle out of my undertrained ass.

Now this may not look terrible, but this is significantly hiller than Central Park where 99% of my runs are done.

And you know what? I'm okay with that. I don't want this body to fall apart before marathon training even starts. That wouldn't be ideal. And I still have the Brooklyn Half Marathon on my race schedule, which is an ideal PR race course. But even if I don't PR there, I'm okay with it (kind of... not really) since I've come to realize that my main goal is really to PR the marathon.

Am I still going to try to run hard in San Francisco? Of course. There's still a 1% chance of pulling a PR out of my ass. But for right now, I'm going to be focus more on healing and figuring out what wineries I need to visit in Napa and Sonoma. Suggestions are welcome!

Runners can be wineos too, right? (pun intended)